The Ghost In The House: One Mom Conquering Depression And Embracing A Healthier Lifestyle
By Golda Smith
I usually don’t watch the news nor do I care to hear about it. However, something caught my attention today that stopped me in my tracks and sent a shiver down my spine. A young mother drove her minivan into the Hudson River here in New York. Inside with her were her 7 and 5 year old sons and her 11 month old daughter. Amazingly her 10 year old son was able to roll down the window and swim to safety. Although he found help, it was too late for the minivan passengers.
Have we seen this story? Absolutely, Susan Smith, except in her case she watched her children drown! Unfortunately there are too many stories like this. What would make a mother not only take her life but that of her children? Now I don’t know the details or what this woman was going through but what I do know is that she didn’t have ANY faith. No faith that her situation would get better. That she was loved. That she was a unique and special creation by GOD. I know this because I dealt with depression from my early teens to well into my 30’s. It’s only within the last four years that I can honestly say I am healed.
What triggered my depression?
I’m not entirely sure. I could blame it on a non-existent relationship with my father or an over bearing mother but that’s neither here nor there. What I do know is that I never felt worthy of love, that I didn’t feel special, and that I always felt destined for failure. To say that this caused me to make poor choices is an understatement. I self medicated in an attempt to numb myself…didn’t last!
Childbirth, as beautiful as it was brought on a serious round of post-partum depression. I’ve heard about it but never met anyone who went through it and to be honest I didn’t think it was safe to talk about it much less fell it. I remember on afternoon standing in my kitchen, my baby girl was sleeping in her crib and I slid to the floor and was in a river of tears. I had no idea WHY I was crying except that I remember thinking to myself…
So now among other things, I’m a selfish bitch and horrible mother for feeling this way!
I felt like there was a dark cloud that no one saw but me and it weighted a ton. Although I never talked about it or seriously attempted to, I had suicidal tendencies. Funny thing is I was always surrounded by people but always felt alone. Can anyone relate? I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop hurting and this is what I believe these mothers wanted…to stop hurting.
How did I finally break free from the dark clutches? LOTS of prayer, tears, and a couple bottles of St John’s Wart (I honestly don’t know if that helped) BUT I’d like to think that it was the juice that brought me back to life. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent learning how to change my internal dialogue. I also finally started talking about my feelings. Not all at once and over the years I shared pieces of pain with a few trusted souls.
Over time I’ve learned that I can be vulnerable and although there may be some pain, I have and will survive. Slowly but surely the weight of that dark cloud lightened and one day it was gone. I had to learn forgiveness and compassion; both for me and for anyone I felt hurt or disappointed me. It’s been a long journey and one that I am so grateful to have ended. I’ve met some fabulous people along the way and to them I say thank you, I love and I appreciate your presence in my life.
So to anyone feeling lost, “blue”, sad for no apparent reason for prolonged periods of time you are NOT alone! I would encourage you to talk to someone. Get help because keeping it bottled up is a recipe for self inflicted pain. If I could have a chat with you I’d let you know that you are beautiful, loved, fabulous and designed for greatness.
Golda Smith is a mom and distance runner who is building her “Business From The Kitchen Table” working with Fitness, Health and Wellness Experts to put more muscle in their social media marketing. Do you hire freelancers? If so, then you need to get this report NOW because you may be making this mistake. Don’t let it be you!